One thing I learned in nursing school is that pain is subjective and to always treat pain seriously. However, throughout my brief nursing career I grew to be skeptical of patients and often labeled them as med seeking, which of course many were, but all were not.
Now I find myself paying for these thoughts due to karma. As I am laying in bed with 2 capsaicin patches, heating pad, oxycodone, and naproxen in my system I am literally feeling my previous patients pain.
How can this be? At 38 yrs old I look at my many medications and I am reminded of my grandfather and how he was the only one I could call during these difficult times because he understood, he was experiencing what I am, he never judged nor told me it was all in my head. Next Friday will mark the 3rd year of his passing and his absence is felt more and more as time goes by.
Time does not heal wounds, at least not when it comes to losing a loved one who has died. I fondly remember my grandmothers, grandpa, and friends everyday. I dont dwell on my grief, but rather I think of them when things are most trying...such as now.
Lately I've been stumbling though the daily motions of life. Were it not for my daughter,I'm not sure I could accomplish half of what I do...which isn't saying much.
I'm depressed. There, I said it. I wrote what no one wants to hear. Having to disguise my physical and mental pain is exhausting. I've been in therapy enough to know the psycho mumbo jumbo any licensed therapist psychiatrist/therapist would say in response.
Yes I know I am lucky and count my blessings everyday, and I know I need to keep busy. However, unlike before I never suffered from such excruciating pain that is at debilitating at times.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Unachieved 2011 New Year's goal
ok, so I didnt finish my novel as I had originally intended. seems there's never ending bullshit I have to research. a published writer friend of mine said, "write what you know," but of course I didn't take her advice and decided to make research for my novel the project/focus of my life. I have now acquired my own personal Civil War library and my husband says that if I purchase one more Civil War book or subscribe to another Civil War magazine, he is going to flip out, so in response I found two more magazines and just went wild on amazon.com--latest book to arrive is Civil War Recipes.
I have had this novel in my head for quite a while, but to put it on paper has been quite the challenge. I figure I have 3 more yrs to finish this novel although ideally I would like to submit it by 2013 at the latest.
seems my heroine, Milicent, is having difficulty muddling through 1862
this is a boring post...I shall torture you no more, rather I will post a pic of my favorite Jeffrey Campbell skate shoe I wore on my birthday
I have had this novel in my head for quite a while, but to put it on paper has been quite the challenge. I figure I have 3 more yrs to finish this novel although ideally I would like to submit it by 2013 at the latest.
seems my heroine, Milicent, is having difficulty muddling through 1862
this is a boring post...I shall torture you no more, rather I will post a pic of my favorite Jeffrey Campbell skate shoe I wore on my birthday
Monday, May 9, 2011
150th Anniversary of American Civil War
After countless books, maps, DVD's, and Civil War music, I feel I am ready to return to 1861. With much effort to pull myself away from the TV and bed, I am feeling the writing muse beckon at my side to complete my novel by Jan 1, 2012.
In order to keep so information from becoming repetitious, I am strongly considering breaking each part of the book into 4 parts. It's not uncommon for authors to write book series which makes sense considering I have information overload.
The girlie part of me wants to write a version of a Jane Austin/Civil War novel, not so much for publicity sake, but because I feel it might appeal to a larger/ younger female audience.
My husband, however feels I should write a Civil War "erotic" novel which I am sure would sell, but I do not wish to compromise my literary integrity for cheap sales. So sorry Miguel and all those perv men friends who highly support his decision.
As of now Milicent (the heroine), is tiredly studying and crafting codes to teach potential spies. Meanwhile her husband, Edwin, is working tiredly with Union Generals in Washington recruiting professional photographers, topographers, and trusted Union couriers. With Abraham Lincoln in such a predicament, he is willing to confide in Edwin Bingham's intelligent prowess, especially since the Confederates have already occupied parts of Quebec and Southern Ontario.
EXCERPTS TO COME LATER
In order to keep so information from becoming repetitious, I am strongly considering breaking each part of the book into 4 parts. It's not uncommon for authors to write book series which makes sense considering I have information overload.
The girlie part of me wants to write a version of a Jane Austin/Civil War novel, not so much for publicity sake, but because I feel it might appeal to a larger/ younger female audience.
My husband, however feels I should write a Civil War "erotic" novel which I am sure would sell, but I do not wish to compromise my literary integrity for cheap sales. So sorry Miguel and all those perv men friends who highly support his decision.
As of now Milicent (the heroine), is tiredly studying and crafting codes to teach potential spies. Meanwhile her husband, Edwin, is working tiredly with Union Generals in Washington recruiting professional photographers, topographers, and trusted Union couriers. With Abraham Lincoln in such a predicament, he is willing to confide in Edwin Bingham's intelligent prowess, especially since the Confederates have already occupied parts of Quebec and Southern Ontario.
EXCERPTS TO COME LATER
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Forever in search of job
So far within these past two weeks I have applied for several different nursing positions, only to receive that dreaded email stating that "they" are looking for someone with more qualifications.
It used to be that I would submit a resume and immediately be called for an interview and hired that day. I suppose those days are over. I cannot relay to you the frustration over such a situation, but I did it to myself.
When I moved back to Los Angeles from Boston, I was a complete mess, and instead of working on straightening myself out, I jumped into nursing right away. The problem was that I had nothing to offer my patients because I could barely keep hold of myself. Therefore, this lead to my demise and I was unable to perform my job properly.
Now several years later, I yearn to help others and I can't because I established such a bad reputation as an employee, that no one will hire me.
What is ironic is that my job is in huge demand, yet no one dare touches me, it's as though I have the plague...rather depressing really.
I continue to tell myself not to despair and that when that one career opportunity presents itself it will be meant to be. Until then, I am continuing to apply for several nursing jobs that I have great interest in and perhaps they will take a chance on me.
Several times I have kicked myself in the head about the absurdity of the situation, and it's depressing as hell. Had I just listened to that inner voice and took a break, then maybe, just maybe, I would not be in the predicament I am in.
Like Ulysses S. Grant, who tried on several hats before joining the civil war, I know I will eventually come out with guns blazing!
At times I feel as though I am running an uphill battle. I often think of General Sherman and how he had to retire from military life due to depression, but eventually overcame those obstacles, and I dare say he did a brilliant job when he re-entered the military. If it were not for Sherman and Grant, then who knows where our nation would be. *can't help using Civil War references since my research for book is all about it*
I'm not saying I am going to save the country, but if I could help one patient at at time, then I will feel fulfilled, now it's all a matter of time before my shining moment comes and I can once more enter a hospital or facility knowing I can make a difference.
It used to be that I would submit a resume and immediately be called for an interview and hired that day. I suppose those days are over. I cannot relay to you the frustration over such a situation, but I did it to myself.
When I moved back to Los Angeles from Boston, I was a complete mess, and instead of working on straightening myself out, I jumped into nursing right away. The problem was that I had nothing to offer my patients because I could barely keep hold of myself. Therefore, this lead to my demise and I was unable to perform my job properly.
Now several years later, I yearn to help others and I can't because I established such a bad reputation as an employee, that no one will hire me.
What is ironic is that my job is in huge demand, yet no one dare touches me, it's as though I have the plague...rather depressing really.
I continue to tell myself not to despair and that when that one career opportunity presents itself it will be meant to be. Until then, I am continuing to apply for several nursing jobs that I have great interest in and perhaps they will take a chance on me.
Several times I have kicked myself in the head about the absurdity of the situation, and it's depressing as hell. Had I just listened to that inner voice and took a break, then maybe, just maybe, I would not be in the predicament I am in.
Like Ulysses S. Grant, who tried on several hats before joining the civil war, I know I will eventually come out with guns blazing!
At times I feel as though I am running an uphill battle. I often think of General Sherman and how he had to retire from military life due to depression, but eventually overcame those obstacles, and I dare say he did a brilliant job when he re-entered the military. If it were not for Sherman and Grant, then who knows where our nation would be. *can't help using Civil War references since my research for book is all about it*
I'm not saying I am going to save the country, but if I could help one patient at at time, then I will feel fulfilled, now it's all a matter of time before my shining moment comes and I can once more enter a hospital or facility knowing I can make a difference.
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