Wednesday, August 8, 2012

In Search of Self

Since my last therapy session, I was asked "what could Deborah do to take care of herself?"

There was a long silence because no one had ever asked me nor had I ever given any thought to it.  Honestly, it's easier for me to care for others than myself...a trait most nurses often say.

So I sat with that question floating over my head wondering, what could I do to take care of myself.  Then came the suggestion I hate the most---"go back to work"

It was then that I realized Jane had no clue what state I was in and how my brain was complete mush. Sure I could handle day to day life, but to actually apply my nursing skills, prioritize, keep patients, Maya, and Miguel in check is overwhelming not to mention exhausting.

Many believe that Fibromyalgia is not a real medical condition and I hope in time people will be more accepting of this autoimmune disease.  Not only am I exhausted regardless of vitamin supplements, exercise, acupuncture, etc I do not feel like my old self....mentally and physically.

I was then asked "what is you goal in life?"  "what is your dream"

I don't know, it seemed much easier to answer those questions when I was a child because I was so innocent to the world's evil ways.  Personally, I  feel complacent as my husband also said as to his current state of mind.

Is complacency such an awful crime?  I see other people and how ambitious they are, and cannot help but envy their motivation to go 110% at whatever they are doing.  Even the employees behind the Starbucks counters seem happier than I.

First of all, I'm not depressed, I am sad,  This may sound as an exaggeration to those of you who lead a fairly average life, have healthy coping mechanisms,  and have a normal brain, but for those of us who are "a bit off" this is not the case,

At the present time, I have lost much of my vocabulary and my head is all over the place,,,,reason being why I jump from one subject to the next.  I feel if I continue to practice and exercise my brain, the creative juices will flow back and I can once again resume a sense of normalcy.

2 comments:

  1. thanks for recent comment on my blog - glad someone finds them humorous! :P

    Hope the therapy sessions are going well - I can only imagine how tough it is trying to change thinking patterns etc. I know a fair few people who suffer from depression (my boyfriend included) and I feel awful that I can't actually DO anything to help :(

    You must tell me what this other idea for a novel is, I'd love to know! x

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  2. changing thinking patterns on someone my age is a feat, and most unsuccessful...not being negative, but by the time you are age 7, your brain pattern is supposedly already hardwired into your brain

    honestly there is nothing anyone can DO to help other than listen and be supportive, unless you have ever experienced a depression, then it's impossible to be in their place

    thinking of a novel and gonna accept admissions for people to write letters to people either dead or alive---in the letters you write THINGS LEFT UNSAID

    whatcha think?

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