Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Things Left Unsaid
Yesterday afternoon, I sat in bed rather frustrated by a therapy session I had just returned from less than an hour ago. Erin was my therapist prior to Jane and she always made me bring up all sorts of crap that I thought was resolved, which of course was merely buried in my subconscious. Needless to say, without fail I'd leave Erin's sobbing.
Jane's different, our conversations flow, she's my paid friend who gives me a whole 45 minutes of undivided attention. To tell you the truth I like it this way because shooting the shit with Jane is easy and I always leave her Beverly Hills office with a laugh instead of crying.
One of my "assignments" when therapy first began was to write a letter to my cousin in law ,Celso, who died on May 9th. Six weeks later, yesterday, I finally had the motivation to pick up a pen and write him. All the while I played his music and had his videos from youtube playing on my computer.
When I looked up, several hours had passed and I was amazed that 10 pages later I was done. I walked to the kitchen and read the letter aloud to the picture of him on our refrigerator. Desperately I searched for matches and ironically found a pack from The Ivy which is a place Celso would never would have frequented due to it's pretentious customers. I walked over to the kitchen sink and burnt the letter while praying and waving the smoke out of the window.
This may sound insane but I heard from several spiritualist that if you write a letter to the deceased they will receive it in their new world. I desperately hoped my letter reached him as the smoke exited the window, and that Celso was reading each word as it was released into the air.
Once the letter was reduced to ashes, as all our bodies will be one day, I gathered as much as I could and threw them. The rest were were drained in the kitchen sink and I felt a tremendous release.
Since Celso's memorial, which I did not attend due to my depression that I was already trying to muddle through, Miguel had given me 2 bracelets that were blessed with his ashes. It wasn't until yesterday that I was able to wear one of the bracelets I had taped to the shelf above my writing desk. However, the other bracelet was missing. As early as Saturday, I had seen both bracelets taped above my desk and now one of them was gone. Did it fall? Who knows.
While the letter was burning, my phone rang an odd number 310-000-0000, stopped, then called twice at two separate times. Coincidence? Once again, who knows.
What I do know is that Celso's brilliant strength (his shine) to appear happy despite his desperate depression which eventually contributed to his death will forever remain with me. As a Bipolar II/ Manic Depressive (whatever you wish to call it), I greatly admire the effort he put forth to deal with his demons and I appreciate his music which allowed him to channel his creativity. What I find most amazing was the energy he emulated and how he maintained a happy demeanor despite whatever private hell he was experiencing. Even after he died, he allowed those of us in the room with him to see his infectious smile, something I have never experienced with anyone postmortem.
May he rest in peace and finally released from his unbearable struggles. May the Lord, our God cradle him and allow him to find eternal happiness.
Jane's different, our conversations flow, she's my paid friend who gives me a whole 45 minutes of undivided attention. To tell you the truth I like it this way because shooting the shit with Jane is easy and I always leave her Beverly Hills office with a laugh instead of crying.
One of my "assignments" when therapy first began was to write a letter to my cousin in law ,Celso, who died on May 9th. Six weeks later, yesterday, I finally had the motivation to pick up a pen and write him. All the while I played his music and had his videos from youtube playing on my computer.
When I looked up, several hours had passed and I was amazed that 10 pages later I was done. I walked to the kitchen and read the letter aloud to the picture of him on our refrigerator. Desperately I searched for matches and ironically found a pack from The Ivy which is a place Celso would never would have frequented due to it's pretentious customers. I walked over to the kitchen sink and burnt the letter while praying and waving the smoke out of the window.
This may sound insane but I heard from several spiritualist that if you write a letter to the deceased they will receive it in their new world. I desperately hoped my letter reached him as the smoke exited the window, and that Celso was reading each word as it was released into the air.
Once the letter was reduced to ashes, as all our bodies will be one day, I gathered as much as I could and threw them. The rest were were drained in the kitchen sink and I felt a tremendous release.
Since Celso's memorial, which I did not attend due to my depression that I was already trying to muddle through, Miguel had given me 2 bracelets that were blessed with his ashes. It wasn't until yesterday that I was able to wear one of the bracelets I had taped to the shelf above my writing desk. However, the other bracelet was missing. As early as Saturday, I had seen both bracelets taped above my desk and now one of them was gone. Did it fall? Who knows.
While the letter was burning, my phone rang an odd number 310-000-0000, stopped, then called twice at two separate times. Coincidence? Once again, who knows.
What I do know is that Celso's brilliant strength (his shine) to appear happy despite his desperate depression which eventually contributed to his death will forever remain with me. As a Bipolar II/ Manic Depressive (whatever you wish to call it), I greatly admire the effort he put forth to deal with his demons and I appreciate his music which allowed him to channel his creativity. What I find most amazing was the energy he emulated and how he maintained a happy demeanor despite whatever private hell he was experiencing. Even after he died, he allowed those of us in the room with him to see his infectious smile, something I have never experienced with anyone postmortem.
May he rest in peace and finally released from his unbearable struggles. May the Lord, our God cradle him and allow him to find eternal happiness.
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