Pain

One thing I learned in nursing school is that pain is subjective and to always treat pain seriously. However, throughout my brief nursing career I grew to be skeptical of patients and often labeled them as med seeking, which of course many were, but all were not.
Now I find myself paying for these thoughts due to karma. As I am laying in bed with 2 capsaicin patches, heating pad, oxycodone, and naproxen in my system I am literally feeling my previous patients pain.
How can this be? At 38 yrs old I look at my many medications and I am reminded of my grandfather and how he was the only one I could call during these difficult times because he understood, he was experiencing what I am, he never judged nor told me it was all in my head. Next Friday will mark the 3rd year of his passing and his absence is felt more and more as time goes by.
Time does not heal wounds, at least not when it comes to losing a loved one who has died. I fondly remember my grandmothers, grandpa, and friends everyday. I dont dwell on my grief, but rather I think of them when things are most trying...such as now.
Lately I've been stumbling though the daily motions of life. Were it not for my daughter,I'm not sure I could accomplish half of what I do...which isn't saying much.
I'm depressed. There, I said it. I wrote what no one wants to hear. Having to disguise my physical and mental pain is exhausting. I've been in therapy enough to know the psycho mumbo jumbo any licensed therapist psychiatrist/therapist would say in response.
Yes I know I am lucky and count my blessings everyday, and I know I need to keep busy. However, unlike before I never suffered from such excruciating pain that is at debilitating at times.

Unachieved 2011 New Year's goal

ok, so I didnt finish my novel as I had originally intended.  seems there's never ending bullshit I have to research.  a published writer friend of mine said, "write what you know," but of course I didn't take her advice and decided to make research for my novel the project/focus of my life.  I have now acquired my own personal Civil War library and my husband says that if I purchase one more Civil War book or subscribe to another Civil War magazine, he is going to flip out, so in response I found two more magazines and just went wild on amazon.com--latest book to arrive is Civil War Recipes. 
I have had this novel in my head for quite a while, but to put it on paper has been quite the challenge.  I figure I have 3 more yrs to finish this novel although ideally I would like to submit it by 2013 at the latest.
seems my heroine, Milicent, is having difficulty muddling through 1862

this is a boring post...I shall torture you no more, rather I will post a pic of my favorite Jeffrey Campbell skate shoe I wore on my birthday